“The Courage to Choose You”
BY JEANIE DUNCAN
I walked into my friend Courtney’s office one day and on her desk sat a framed image that read, “It starts with me.” Jokingly, I ribbed her a bit, “Oh, sure, it’s all about you!”
She laughed, but then turned serious and told me that she’d made this image as a reminder to take better care of herself. Just a year prior she had taken a leave of absence for a few weeks to recover from exhaustion and burnout.
As a business owner, mom of three, and an only child faced with increasing care needs of her aging parents, she had reached a breaking point with these responsibilities and putting priority on others’ needs before her own.
It wasn’t until she took the leave that she was able to step back, see her situation more fully and objectively, and begin making different choices. “By trying to be everything to everyone, I ended up being nothing to no one,” described Courtney. “I had run myself so empty that no one was getting the real me, especially myself.”
Why is it so hard to choose ourselves? …to practice healthy self-care, love, and compassion?
Why does it take us running ourselves empty or crossing an edge—like a medical crisis—before we awaken and say yes to ourselves?
I think there are a number of reasons why.
We’re not taught to focus on ourselves. In examining my own upbringing, my parents taught me to focus first on others and to be of service. Then, as I began my career in the nonprofit sector, it further supported those deeply ingrained family values and beliefs. While this can be an honorable thing, it also can cultivate a practice of being so others-focused that we lose ourselves and our way. And that hurts not only us, but also those around us who need and depend on us.
Choosing ourselves can be thought of as a selfish act. I find that, especially with women, we’ve been taught not to focus on and prioritize ourselves. I know for me, it started in my childhood when I was raised to be seen and not heard and to not draw attention to myself. Then, in adulthood, this cultivated belief contributed greatly to my putting others’ needs and wants before my own.
I lived this way for a long time, but I’ve grown to believe that it’s critical to choose me and to put myself first. I prefer to think of this very nurturing and life-giving act as being “self-full.”
Self-full is choosing yourself with grace and humility. I know that when I choose me, I’m becoming the best version of myself…doing things like resting and recharging, taking time for myself, asking for what I need, enlisting the support of others, and accessing resources available to me. And when I’m the best version of myself, I can be the best whatever I need to be for everyone and everything else.
Sometimes, we live into others’ images and expectations of ourselves, instead of living our most true self. It begins when we’re children—living into our parent’s, teacher’s, and coach’s expectations and dreams for us. And then as adults, add to that the expectations of our spouse, boss, and children.
Several things can happen: we put others first and ourselves second (and sometimes third or fourth); we also can fool ourselves into believing we need to be someone we’re not, which causes us to stretch and twist into a version of ourselves that isn’t entirely our own; and we can become so “layered up,” that it becomes hard to know who we are—our most real, true self.
This layering starts even before we take our first infant breath. As we emerge into the world, a prefabricated identity awaits our arrival like a little costume hanging in our baby closet. It’s branded with gender norms, racial and cultural qualities, religious classifications, and family heritages, values, and beliefs. As soon as it’s placed upon us, we wiggle right into this cloak and begin living it.
Well-meaning and well-intentioned parents exclaim, “It’s a girl!” They dress us in pink, hand us a doll, and begin dreaming of their little ballerina. In raising my own son, his dad and I slipped right into this identity crafting—“We’ll give him a strong name, Luke, and he’ll play football!” Grandparents followed the script: “He’s so smart! Maybe he’ll be an engineer like his dad.”
Like my friend Courtney, I have my own prompts and structures that remind me to choose me—to start with me—and give me courage to stand strong. I celebrate the small steps each day of knowing more about who I am. I give myself a high five every time I choose me.
So, let me ask you:
When was the last time you chose you?
What if you chose you more often?
How would always choosing you get you closer to living your true self and the life you most want to live?
TCC member Jeanie Duncan works with individuals and organizations who are seeking to deepen their self-understanding and align themselves more fully with their mission and purpose. Her book, Choosing Me, The Journey Home to My Truest Self (available on Amazon) helps women live their lives unapologetically and unabashedly.