How to Be Yourself [Even in Public]
We were all dressed up in our Girl Scout uniforms, and in order to earn our latest badge we were required to write and deliver a speech after school one day. I don’t remember her name, but one troop member was so unhinged by the prospect of not being perfect that she hid in the bathroom and never came out.
I hope to this day that she chose to use that traumatic experience to overcome the fear of being judged by her parents and her peers.
Seventy three percent of us have a fear of public speaking according to the National Institute of Mental Health-. The same research says it’s the most common phobia – ahead of death, spiders, and heights.
Cecily Kalkhof
Why are we so afraid? None of us wants to be judged negatively by others, perhaps especially in a professional situation where careers can live or die on the playing field. Combine that with plenty of cultural pressures and practices that suggest we become someone other than ourselves to succeed, by cloaking ourselves in the armor of over-practiced technique. (Some presentation training programs use one-size-fits-all formulas that don’t stick).
Harvard Business School professor, Frances Frei says it’s easier to coach people to fit in as opposed to rewarding their differences. Her premise is that trust is at the base of all effective communications, and that empathy, rigorous logic, and authenticity are the three major components of trust in everyone.
Frei’s take on authenticity is that it’s often easier to pretend to be like others around you, as opposed to being the best version of yourself. If we hold back who we truly are we’re far less likely to be trusted, and less likely to be the effective communicator we need and want to be.
It’s tougher than ever with the layers of technology that have become so integrated into the way we connect. Distractions are the #1 enemy of empathy, and the devices we have come to rely on have created barriers that get in the way of “seeing” others and ourselves as we are. (And next we’re going to create avatars in a new metaverse?). Dr. Frei would say, “put them down and look up” at others.
The good news is that when we shift our paradigm away from fear of failure and start with the glory of our unique authenticity it frees us to bring the best version of ourselves to any relationship or challenge.
It takes practice, and it helps to have a coach who can navigate the feedback and the intersections with other opportunities along the way. Like any other growth journey, it’s important to unpack the buildup of beliefs imposed over time, to allow for a truer picture of what success looks like.
I don’t know where my fellow Scout member is today, but I hope she has found the feeling of freedom that comes with sharing who she truly is with others.
Cecily Kalkhof was an anchor/reporter in radio and television before leading crisis corporate communications teams through nuclear power plant approvals, healthcare system expansions and legal trials with ABC News. She now coaches leaders in all sectors and circumstances as they strive to communicate authentically.